at theGates of Hell---
The Devil
himself had
answered the bell.
He looked him over from head to toe
and said: "My friend--
I'd like to know
what you have done
in the line of Sin
which entitles you
to come within?"
Then Richard M.--
with his usual guile,
stepped forward and said,
with a bashful smile:
"Just to be pertectly frank,
Mr. Satan,
I don't really know.
But this,
according to my information,
is where lots of folks
said I should go."
"That won't do!"
the Devil did sneer,
"Not by old Satan's book,
We accept no hearsay
evidence here.
You've got to prove
you're a crook.
"This isn't the U.S. Congress,
or that Washington
Press Corps crowd.
We want the facts!
No rumors, or half-truths,
or biased opinions allowed!
"So out with it, Stranger,--
if you want in,
you'll have to define
in your own words, your Sin!"
Poor Richard's smile
changed to a puzzled frown,
and he pondered a while
with eyes cast down.
"I must," he decided,
"make this sound very good.
So I'll just lay it on him
Like my enemies would."
Then looking old Satan
right dead in the eye
he said:
"All right, Mr. Devil,
I'm tellin' ya' why!
"Now let me make
one thing perfectly clear,---
there's plenty of reason
for me to be here.
I dabbled in politics
'most of my life,
Some say that's more sinful
than beating one's wife.
"I did time in Congress
and some as V.P.
and finally won
the Presidency.
So when I took over in '69,
the fate of a Nation
was entirely mine!
The Democrats had left
one helluva mess,
To clean that up
required finesse!
"Why clean up a nice mess?"
the Devil cried.
"Why not just leave it alone?"
"Because I preferred,"
Dick quickly replied,
"to make one entirely my own!"
"So I chose for my Cabinet
a motley crew.
(With all the deals I'd made, to get elected
what else could I do?)
A Southern Strategy we needed,
because of George Wallace.
After we had called him,
he still wouldn't call us.
So Ol' Strom Thurmond,
That 'States' Righter' nut,
much tougher to crack
than a pecan, but
Supreme Court appointments,
were a nice juicy plum.
And George was no match
for Strom's mighty thumb.
"Then Rockefeller--He'd said:
'I'll put you on that throne,
providing you're surrounded
by men of my own.
Henry K., just for one
must be close by your side,
to keep both my hands free
and one of yours tied.
"Eliot Richardson, too,
must play a big part.
we'll give him the Pentagon,
just for a start.
I'll tell you where to switch 'em
from time to time.
Between Henry and Eliot
we'll keep you in line
'And--in case something
drastic should happen to you,
we've got as V.P.
my boy, Spiro Agnew,'
"That Eastern Establishment"--Dick then said,
-----"Totally without trust.
but in order to win the election
their support was a must.
What they didn't know
was my long-range plan,
After '72,
I would be my own man."
"You do sound like
my kind of man."
said old Nick,
"but you could
just be putting
me on~"
"What more can I do to
convince you?" asked Dick.
"Keep talking," said Satan.
So Richard spoke on---
"Well, then, let me make
one more thing perfectly clear.
I'd been victim
of a terrible smear.
The Press had kicked
my butt so hard,
I swore to get even
with poet and bard.
"I'd let 'em know---!
they'd soon understand,
that 'Tricky Dick' was
the most powerful man
they'd ever met.
They'd come to heel!
'King Richard' would show 'em
how to wheel and deal!"
"You're as boastful a sinner,"
said Satan,
"as any I've ever known.
But like that skeptical
man from Missouri,
I always have to be shown."
"Well, my first deal," said Dick,
"was with old Chairman Mao.
Like snapping my fingers,
I showed the 'Libs' how
to pull off a trick they'd
been trying for years.
(Even though it caused
some of my friends a few tears.)"
"Very good!" said the Devil,
"In dealing with Mao,
you're in my kind of comp'ny,
But tell me just how
you could do that without
getting into a row with
some other good buddies
of mine in Moscow?"
"Oh, they fussed a bit,"
our Richard replied.
"But I soon brought 'em
around to my side.
They rattled thier rockets,
But I had 'em beat.
They had to come to see me
for some wheat.
It took double-dealing.
(to you that's no fault)
I just sold 'em some wheat,
and gave 'em some SALT."
"That's real tricky, Dick,"
the Devil conceded.
"It adds a great
deal to your claim."
"I hope," Richard said,
"you'll not think
me concieted,
But that's how I got
my good name."
"Conceited or not,"
said Satan,
"you'll have to show still more,
to prove that those
Slick tricks weren't
just a scam."
"Well, another trick
I pulled," said Dick,
"was to take our boys
out of a war
that had been dragging on
for years in
South Vietnam."
"You took men out of war?"
the Devil cried.
"Then you surely can't claim
to be on my side!"
Satan started to close
his Iron Gate
but paused as Richard
shouted: "Wait!
Mr. Devil,
you must understand;
I didn't do that
for the good of the Land!
Just ask any newsmen
with whom you're connected.
I only did it
to get re-elected!"
"Well-l-l, that does make a difference" the Devil said,
"providing that you can prove
you did it for selfish reasons
and not because of Love
for your Country,
or your Countrymen,
who'd suffered or
died in battle.
You must--as did those
who first sent them there--
just think of them
as chattel."
"What's more to prove?"
asked Richard.
"you have the testimony
of a host of commentators
who'll assure you
I'm a phony."
"I'll tell you," said Satan
"just one more time,
I don't accept hearsay!
Is there
anything else
you can tell
of yourself
that will prove
you were going
my way?"
Said Richard,
"To understand
all of my sinning,
you must hear my story
right from the beginning.
"My first trip to Congress--
Well, right from the start,
the Libs were all eager
to tear me apart,
for taking that seat
from a gal they adored
And once I was seated you'd've
thought they were gored.
"They howled in great anquish,
o'er that and o'er this;
especially the things
that I did to Al Hiss.
"Then during the time
that I spent as V. P.
They plastered that
'Tricky Dick' label on me.
"'Course I didn't mind that,
I wear it with pride.
I'm not only tricky,
I've got a tough hide.
"I never lost an election
'til my first
White House bid.
That was 1960
against that Kennedy kid.
And I didn't lose
that one to J.F.K.
but Chicago's Boss Daley
and old L.B.J.
They stole that election
in Cook County
and the South!
I could have protested,
but never opened my mouth.
"Then again in California--,
Oh how the Press did rave,
When I lost a bid for Governor
they started dancing
on my grave.
Prematurely, it turned out.
you could hear their teeth grate
when I came back
to haunt them in 1968.
"This time I out-tricked them.
(I still didn't cheat.)
It was a close race
but they knew
they'd been beat!"
"As a matter of fact,
I was there," said the Devil.
"I never miss an election.
Don't ask me
who I voted for,
It wasn't an easy selection."
Said Richard,
"Now just to be perfectly frank,
it wasn't enough.
1960 still ranked.
Deep in my gut,
it twisted and hurt.
I swore in '72
I'd rub some noses in the dirt."
"Ahh-h, Vengeance!"
hissed Satan,
"oh how I eschew it.
Just how, my good man,
did you set out to do it?"
"My Strategy--"
said Richard,
"end the war in Vietnam.
Not too soon--.
(I had four years and
the economy was in a jam.)
So I spent money like mad,
like it was going
out of style.
The 'Great Society' under me
was greater by a mile.
"How the liberals loved it
when the debt soared
out of sight.
Some conservatives complained
But 'Revenue Sharing'
set that right.
"I gave the farmers
what they wanted.
Business--. Even crooks--.
Pardoned Jimmy Hoffa
and got Labor on my hooks.
"Now, Mr. Devil
get the picture--
understand my position.
In the '72 election
we even named our opposition.
"That was dirty!
You'd have liked it!
You'd have been real proud!
Why--you could have been
my campaign manager.
My folks were
your crowd!"
"I'll remind you,"
said the Devil,
"since you think
you're such a smarty.
I've long been influential
in every Political Party."
"But there's more!"
Dick quickly added.
"My real 'coup de grace,'
was to bring the boys home
to a patriotic 'Hoo-Rah!'"
For there's nothing ever better
to unite us all as one,
than the ending of a war
or one properly begun.
"It worked, Mr. Devil~
Just exactly as I'd planned.
I got the biggest victory
in the history of the Land.
"I was King of all the Nation!
'King Richard, I was named!
But then it all turned sour.
I was disgraced.
And I was shamed."
You're very convincing,"
the Devil said,
"But I hope you appreciate
what a difficult task
it is to decide
just who shall pass
through this Gate.
"One qualification for admission
to my domain of
brimstone and fire
is to prove to me
beyond all doubt
that you're an
accomplished liar.
"So I have one angel of a problem.
A dilemma, there's no denying.
I can never be sure
someone's telling the truth
about how good they are
at lying!"
"Well," said Dick,
"if you're not certain
that I'm giving you the facts,
'most anyone will verify
that I cheated on my tax.
I took every deduction
I legally could,
some of which others
didn't think that I should.
And that, I assure you,
is very, very, bad.
No one else had
done such things
and folks were really mad!"
Sneered Satan
"For Hade's Sake,
don't give me that!
Cheatin' on taxes
is strictly old hat!
And--compared to your last
predecessors in office,
You, my dear fellow,
are naught but a novice.
Politicians and businessmen
deduct for their beers.
And some preachers
evade taxes
all through the years,
"That won't do at all!
Doesn't even begin!
cheatin' on taxes
was never a Sin!"
Poor Dick was crestfallen.
It looked like he'd failed
all chance of admission,
the way Satan railed.
But then, the Old Devil
more gently did say:
"Now Richard,
I really do like you!
And I'd like to invite
you in for to stay.
So think, man!
what did you do
which caused enough
of misery for
friend and fellow men,
to demonstrate for certain
that you fit in
with my plan--?"
Then Dick just knew
he had it made!
The answer seemed
right there!
He spread his arms
and heartily said:
"Mr. Devil!!
You're surely aware
of the strife and turmoil
that I caused--
the misery--
and hate--
when I refused to sell
the White House
to pay for
Old Satan blanched
and backed away.
"Good Lord!"
he finally managed to say,
"Are you that Richard?
Then, please!
Go away!!"
He slammed and barred
his iron door,
as Poor Richard lifted
his palms to implore:
"But why, Mr. Devil?
Have I not sinned enough?"
"More than plenty!" said Satan.
"I fear you're too rough!
Why, if I were to let you
join in with my mob,
from what people
tell me,
you'd soon have
My job!"
"That's just hearsay!"
Dick shouted.
But the Devil was gone,
So once again
Richard was standing alone.
And it seemed like he'd been here
for such a long time,
'Twixt Hades and Heaven!
Ridiculous!
-yet-
Sublime!
